It’s in my head. It’s in my heart I know I’m supposed to be going in this direction but I feel confused. So what does this space look like? How do I get there?
These are just a few questions we as moms ask ourselves on a daily basis.
When I became a mom for the first time to my daughter almost four years ago, my heart was so happy to meet this person who I was blessed to carry in the womb and feel and talk to and hope for. When she arrived I was still me – a working mom with dreams and desires for myself like I’ve always had. As the years progressed, she continued to grow and I became less of me. I tried to enjoy every stage she was in and be on cloud nine every time I would drop her off at school. But, in my head I’m always flooded with the daily demands ahead of me as I’m juggling bags and the car seat out the door.
My daughter needs me as mom no matter what I have to do or what I need to accomplish that day, even as the demands are screaming at me. I want to do it all. I am capable. At least I thought so at one point. So why did everything become hard and a struggle all of a sudden?
I was changing. I wasn’t just an individual, I had now birthed a child who has its own personality. She has needs and relies on me every waking second, and this was changing who I was. Or as I say, I birthed hormones.
For so long I beat myself up mentally and emotionally because I didn’t understand where the confusion was coming from or why it was even happening. I’m pretty in tune with myself and aware of who I am. Entering this unknown territory was frustrating and confusing for me.
I should have the answers and I am not supposed to feel this way. I am in control of my life.
So, why is it that I cannot control the “day to day” anymore? My days were becoming more and more and demanding of my time and myself.
Then, it was time to have another kid! Because this totally makes sense in the middle of all of that! But, we all do it right?! We want to grow our family and give our child a sibling or more. It’s the beauty of family and marriage. We look at our spouse and they look at us. In the midst of not knowing what we’re doing at this point, we say “let’s have another kid” like it’s all so magical in the moment.
It’s why we work so hard. At least, that’s what we say. We work hard to provide for ourselves and kids. We want to be able to give them the opportunities we didn’t have and build into their lives as we help them know what are their gifts and talents.
It’s been years of trying to sort through this state of mind, but it was after having my second child that I began to see things a little more clear. As I look back I can see that I am not an individual anymore. I am more than this.
I was an individual working for myself before I became a wife, a mom to my kids, a mom to a German Shepard, an employee, a sister, a daughter and the list goes on and on.
Who I was before all of these other responsibilities entered my life is who I was then. But the question is who am I now?
It’s not just age that creates change inside of us but also life. The people we are doing life with, the experiences that impact our lives, and our activities even change after we have children. All of these factors play an intricate part in changing who we are and who we are going to be. And to be honest, it’s not all bad. It is the unknown, frustrating moments in this season that seems so difficult. It’s the waiting-season where we feel stuck between what we had planned for our lives and asking ourselves what we are going to do with the gifts, talents and abilities we have now and want to use in this season.
I’m extremely hard on myself. Like… really, really hard on myself. It doesn’t take much to make me feel defeated when something doesn’t happen like I think it should. I have come to learn in this waiting season that these stages are part of what makes us who we are in every stage of our lives and prepares us for the next stage. It doesn’t always feel good. I think most of us can agree that the unknown can make us feel stressed and irritable because we feel that this isn’t who we are.
We are not irritable. We are doers and go-getters. However, it’s in this season I have learned to persevere. I have learned to be still and patient and not to jump stones because we might need that stone we want to jump over.
Most importantly we will always use our gifts, talents and abilities because it’s who we are and who we were created to be. In this process we learn more about who we are.
We don’t need a mirror when we have kids because our kids are the mirror we are looking at. They are a reflection of us. They do things by blood and then they do things because it’s what they see us doing. Then we find ourselves wanting to make ourselves better individuals so that we are the best for our kids.
See, there is always a purpose for the career driven, goal-oriented mom who has gifts and talents and has the need to express herself. This isn’t for our own satisfaction. It’s not because we have anything to prove to anyone. It’s because we want to express the desires we have.
In my waiting season I have learned more about myself as the stepping stones are revealed one at a time than I would have if I just jumped from being a single individual to a mom with nothing in between.
So what does it look like as a mom with talents, gifts, and abilities? This is something that is revealed to us in time even though we don’t always know exactly what it will look like. We can rest assure that there is a place for those gifts and talents to be used.
Having kids is fulfilling and a game changer for us working moms. Because our kids are forever teaching us how to be better, we get to work better whether it’s in an office, coffee shop, or at home.
I apply a few things to my daily life while in the waiting season:
1. I press in, persevere, and am present with where I am currently. I resolve to be content and choose to be honest as to where I see myself being in a year. I set short term, realistic goals and choose to be flexible.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” -James 1:2-4
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” -Philippians 4:12-13
2. I pray hard; Harder than I have before because I want what’s next to be extraordinary and fulfilling.
“Pray without ceasing,” –1 Thessalonians 5:17
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” –Philippians 4:6
“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”-Psalm 145:18
3. I cut out any negativity. Don’t let negativity enter your mind. You and I don’t have time for this and neither does your family.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” –Philippians 4:8
4. I choose to be joyful and surround myself with people who build me up. This is encourages me while I’m waiting.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 15:13
“Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17
So mom, hang in there. Know that as you strive to find out who you are now, that it is because of your dedication and ambition that you will conquer what you desire. – Diana Evans
Diana Evans is a wife, mom and follower of Christ who is seeking His direction and will, daily. She works outside of the home, yet is led to write about the importance of family, core values, and has a passion to build into the lives around her. Diana is an avid Notre Dame fan, food obsessed, she cans hot peppers, and has an itch to express creativity any chance she gets. She credits her drive of creativity to previous generations who have found tradition to be a staple of love and fun that she’s picked up throughout the years. Check out her life-on-the-go on her Instagram account @the_hodgepodge_lady and visit her website at www.HodgePodgeLady.com
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